I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
