she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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