I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
