when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize