well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
