Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
