i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
