Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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