we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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