You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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