Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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