there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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