It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You are the jesus of drinking
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
