I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My butt remains clenched, sir.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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