i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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