Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
