5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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