If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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