Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she peed on how many people?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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