My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
