What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
