theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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