I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
