You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize