I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
