if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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