My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
