Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize