i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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