paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
