he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
