where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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