the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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