dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
