i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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