I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
