Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
