I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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