Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
