This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
