I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
