My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
