you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
