He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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