I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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