hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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