I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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