apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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