People in love make me want to vomit
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
worst night to have a conscience
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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