I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
