Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
