I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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