I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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