You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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