Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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