My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
