Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She even gives head with a lisp.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
