OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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