Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
